An Actual Spine

For causing such a huge drama, I've gotta say that new site design looks underwhelmingly shitty lmao

First of all, holy shit balls, I did it! I finally made my bearblog site a 88×31 button!

After I made my own bearblog, I got into browsing blogs, neocities sites, and personal websites through webrings once in awhile. Opening webrings, of course you'd see each websites' buttons, so ever since then I have wanted to make my own button. The main issues, though, were one, I have never made any pixel art ever (the only drawing app I have ever successfully used is Procreate), and two, I'm not sure how mine should look like or even if it's at all necessary for a blog site to have one.

But since I was, well, bored (while still busy at work because of capitalism) I daydreamed about making one. Daydreamed a lot it slithered into my nightly dreams. I wanted it to be simple, just a folder with the pink asterisk and the An Actual Spine title at the front. Easy enough. Theoretically.

I watched VisualTimmy's for the tutorial on how to make the pixel brush and how to set up the canvas, then got into working on the button today. Took me hours and lots of revisions. I even struggled to put the button into my blogsite's lobby (lmao)

Anyway, it's done. And I like it enough for now. Maybe I'll change it next month, who knows. I had fun. Pretty sure I'll do more pixel art in the future for funsies.

The button:

(Might try to do the animation thing for the next button. Tee hee.)

having a website of my own. Longer form for my fragments. My memories in snapshots.

Riding my motorbike home, I daydream about what other things to add or to remove. Thinking about conversations. Thinking about old friendships. Thinking about me, leaving things behind. Thinking about what to write which, I suppose, is just me thinking about what to ponder on.

Relational bonds crashing and burning. I leave when I leave. Things have changed a lot in the last four years. Others remain the same.

Harsh wind. Rain knocking on my window. This time last year, I ate a plate of pancake with someone else. I was happy. This Wednesday night, another plate of pancake, sweet vanilla, sour sorbet. I'm eating this pancake on my own. Stunned, as I realize: I am happier.

What do I feel about these moments? I swallow my mood-stabilizers, dry and familiar. Am I cold, I think to myself, for not feeling sadness over this newfound freedom? Do these people mean so little to me?

Coming home. Finding my little cat giving birth. Just one little kitty. Loud meows.

I smile. Brand new day.

Dang, I got so into Stardew Valley in the past several days LOL I haven't had hilltop farm layout before and wtf I love it so much. The river going through the middle of the farm is so pretty surrounded by trees 😭😭

I have never been this bored. Not in my entire 30+ years. This is not an exaggeration.

Everything I do, I'm doing too quickly. I learned cooking; now I can cook. I learned coding; now my blog site looks good. I cleaned up my room; it's all decorated now. I don't feel like going out because it's been humid and hot outside. I don't feel like drawing for some reason, unless it's for commissions. I don't feel like writing, unless it's for essays. Not enjoying too much socializing either lately; my workplace basically requires me to be chatty and extroverted so when I get home I don't feel like talking anymore. I haven't read properly (as in finishing what I'm reading) in months, because even that I have gotten bored of. After like...seven or eight years of constantly reading at least 80-90 books per year.

I know I need to slow down and this is just, the freaking universe telling me goddamnit get some rest for the first time in your entire life just let yourself be suspended. But while my body agrees, my mind doesn't. I find myself trying to find something stimulating for my mind. It's usually short-lived. My growing concern, if I can say it, that if this continues I might start causing problems for myself just for the sake of it. Not that it would happen, but the worry keeps brewing at the back of my mind.

Anyway. Boredom. Should I make a new save of Stardew Valley?

Aight so, super funny story, but I just found out that my guestbook has been in error for...god knows how long and the verification question kept giving invalid result LOL I tried it out myself earlier and 💀💀💀 couldn't even get the answer right myself. Anyway, disabling that verification question so like...hopefully it works now because ugh genuinely embarrassing for me

Holy shit done updating my bearblog theme and oh my god it looks so good!!!!!! Although it should be!!!! It took me six hours!!!!!

To do list:
Website 88x13 pixel button Some black and white doodles to scatter around the blog

I KEEP FORGETTING THIS!!

Just heard today that Benjamin Alire Sáenz passed away and it hit me like a truck.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe and Last Night I Sang to the Monster by him quite literally saved my life during the hardest years of my mental illness. The quote, "The problem with my life was that it was someone else's idea" stayed with me all through the first years of my first full-time job. I held onto those two books for years before I finally managed to stabilize my life.

His writing made me feel less alone in the world. I saw myself, still do actually, in Ari. His shame and his feeling of isolation.

Rest in peace, Mr Sáenz. No amount of gratitude will ever be enough.

Many words I can say but the most important of all: good riddance.

If the issue truly is that person involved wanting to read more good writing, then by all means good blog entries are available in the discovery feed everyday if you'd only have patience to check them out instead of just scrolling the trending feed.

Personally, I check the discovery feed every a few days or so if not everyday after work, and I upvote the the ones I enjoy reading. The rest I don't. And that's fine, that's within my rights. And if many people enjoy and upvote the entries this person considers "trash" then that's fine, too, because it's their rights.

Why are we deciding which blog entries are "shit", and therefore not allowed in the trending page according to some educator? What's the criteria for this? And why does this criteria exist? This isn't school, or university. Nobody is grading anybody's thesis. Nobody is higher than anybody else in here. This is not a big corporation with complicated KPI. This is a free small blogging website. The freedom is the point.

What does it matter to be on "trending"? Being trending does not dictate someone's worth. Or someone's writing's worth. Why the need to "criticize" other's people way of expressions? Do people need to write like this is a literary magazine? Is this a publication house? If it is, then someone should have told me.

This makes me wonder though. Is this truly a matter of words quality value? Or actually dismay over the fact some people, who think their writing is worth more to be staying on the trending page, finding out that their blog entry doesn't stay for more than a week? Asking for a friend me.

And, dang, put your head out of your ass.

I want to draw today.

This might just be my hypomanic cycle but I'm going to make use of it as much as I can. This time last year, I was running myself to the ground trying to handle everything, most of those things weren't even about me.

It's strange being so free to make whatever I want now. No art store to tend, no conflict-avoidants who held back their tongue until they exploded inside an argument, no endless attempts to manage other people's feelings when someone's feeling insecure, no more agreeing on projects I didn't have interest on, no more making myself small.

In this space of time I am just me. And when I picture myself, I am half-hunching in my desk, smiling, pen in hand.

Ugh. I wish people would stop upvoting that marginalia entry brah I don't want to be trending I want to be free and obnoxious in my own blog!!! 💀

My client boosted the commission and left me tip yippeeee!!! I am actually proud of that one's colors so I just went 😳🥹💖♥️🐙✌️😎

FINALLY FINISHED MY COMMISSION AAAA TIME TO SLEEP AND WAKE UP IN FOUR HOURS TO BE A CORPORATE SLAVE AGAIN 💔

That's it. That's my post.

Just finding it strange that social media expectations are still being brought around here. Personally, I enjoy the quiet and people minding their own business. Finding well-designed or well-written blogs are nice bonuses when I feel like it.

Mostly, though, I enjoy tweaking with my blog's designs and writing my own stuff more. I write things for me, but if people intentionally decide to read my entries that's nice too. Unlike in social medias, I don't have to write DNI or watch online discourses thrown to my "For You" page because my blog entries are only readable when you click on them. And I believe people have their own autonomy to decide what they want to do.

Like in AO3, I'd say "don't like, don't read". So, what are you doing here?

As much as I am usually all composed and seemingly have my shit together, grief still comes to me when friendships eventually end. Endings happen, I'm aware of this and that's not what I'm sad about. I'm sad about time passing and both of us going separate ways.

Many of the things inside my current life are managed with intentional effort. I know, of course, I haven't been maintaining this specific friendship consistently in the last year. So the sadness is real, but so is my unwillingness to spare more effort investing into the connection.

This weekend I will finish my art as a gift for them. Then we will both walk away clean. I sincerely wish them a happy, fulfilled life, just as I am content with my life without them.

Herman, petition on blocking some people from reading my blog posts would be appreciated greatly because, dang, a person making reactive blog entry after something I just blogged about seriously pissed me off. /hj

That said, I have always found it genuinely strange that some people I've seen online felt the need to have opposite opinions as a reaction to a mostly positive opinion. Having differing opinions is fine. Voicing said opinions is fine. Implying as though the other opinions are invalid simply because they're the majority sounds awfully like a pick-me behavior.

Anyway, my online experience would be even more fantastic if people below twenty-five with undeveloped prefrontal lobes do not interact with me, directly or otherwise. Alas.

Went to see the movie on my own and holy fuck.

Not saying it's the most faithful or accurate rendition of Homer's The Odyssey, but Nolan absolutely kicked my ass with this one. My favorite Nolan movie side by side with Inception and The Prestige.

Throughout The Odyssey movie I kept thinking, Wow I know all this plot from Sea of Monsters in Percy Jackson book series, but goddamn the actual myth is terrifying. Kudos for Rick Riordan and Nolan both for using the same material and being able to make works completely different in atmosphere.

I love The Odyssey so much though. What's most prominent to me is the guilt and helplessness. The Cyclops scene got me seriously terrified because it was just unexpected (I knew they'd meet Cyclops but I forgot when tee hee).

I also love that the story-telling isn't linear so it's more of piecing together memories and people recalling things. It's beautiful and it scratches my brain the right way because I guess that's how my brain usually works? I feel seen.

And I love that Agamemnon's face had never been revealed throughout the movie. His figure was always imposing, dark, with hulking helmet and armor. Other than that just his back. But never his face. It just gave me the sense that he's inhuman. Or considered beyond human by the people. (His helmet in the movie poster fucks!)

It's been a whole day and I'm still thinking about it.....

Have been trying to wrap my head around coding from scratch since I want to make my own website, but now I'm getting headache for how hard it is ugh ugh okay one step at a time.

Saw the post and genuinely what is it about chronically online people being so obsessed with a morally-correct identity?

Done setting up everything in status cafe now it's time to draw (if I can drag myself up from this bed)

I cooked omelette with cheddar, spinach, paprika, and champignon mushrooms this afternoon. For carbs I made morning rolls filled with sauteed spinach and cheese. This is my first ever time I actually cooked something that isn't boiled egg or instant noodles or french fries. I didn't burn the food or the whole kitchen! They even tasted good!

My best friend said the plating looked like something we'd get in a swimming pool cafe (lmao specific) and that her late mother, who was basically my second mother during my teenage years, would be so proud.

Today is such a big moment for me. Guess it's really never too late for me to start learning something, even if it is something that I have been avoiding to do for decades.

Heck yeah! I think I'm done tweaking with my bearblog design now. It was fun as hell but now back to trying to write (read: staring at the wall)

Wiping my tears away omg my blog looks sooooo good

Seeing the person that had hurt you in the past attempting to appear thriving in public while you know in private they've been plagued by insecurities and disillusionment about their current relationship is nice actually.

Man. Everytime I was thinking perhaps the people I had cut off in the past were totally better off without me now, the whole universe pushed me to see that they, in fact, had not been. And it is so wonderful.

Gets sick again but this is just the consequence of my actions at this point (getting too engrossed in stuff that I lost appetite to eat or drink.)

Doing everything in this site except actually writing. (I'm blind about coding, but this has been fun.)